Tiff Snips #23: Still Here

If someone had told me I would be homeless and living in a shelter one day, I never would have believed it. My initial feeling was one of failure - I had failed at life. Afterall, you don’t become homeless through succeeding, unless you are succeeding at imploding your life. And it was not one choice that led me here, but many choices - I can see that clearly now.

When I realized that I would have to go into a shelter, I became majorly depressed. The sudden and surprising ending of my first serious romantic relationship in two years also did not help matters. I felt like a leper and very unwanted. There was no place that I could call home where people would be happy that I lived there and not just tolerate my presence. That is a very painful realization to have, especially when you're an empath. I went from looking at houses and apartments with a man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with to being homeless, sleeping in a metal chair and broken hearted within a month.

The immense waves of depression that hit me had me crying for multiple hours straight on many days and contemplating various methods of suicide. I just didn’t see the point in living - struggling and fighting to start over and stay on planet earth anymore. I simply had lost too much in my lifetime and had too little to start all over with. I had been knocked down by life so many times that I just did not think I could get up again. Thank God I was wrong!

I arrived at a drop in center and the idea of sleeping sitting up did not distress me. The place was clean and peaceful, people for the most part were nice to me and the food was great - the sad thing is I felt more at home there sleeping in a room filled with strangers than I did sharing a room with my father. There was only complete peace when he was not in the house. His energy permeated the space and put a dark cloud on the sunshine I fought to hold onto everyday.

My time at the drop-in center was filled with gratitude and laughs, but also pain and shivering. Now I am enjoying having my own space at a shelter hotel, sleeping in a bed (something I also had not been able to do during the two years at my dad’s with my bad back) and doing things that I took for granted before. I spoil myself with food since that is really the only indulgence I can afford at this time, but it is more than adequate. I also have been able to focus on myself and my business, Uhuru Reiki again. I guess there is nowhere to go but up from here.

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